I had been looking forward to this day, Lord.
My day off.
My day at the spa with the better half to make up for the non-date that was our anniversary.
Today is supposed to be our own private celebration. In my mind, at least, it is.
I think I need it after a tumultuous two weeks. Jesus, You know… My double breast biopsies that left me battered and bruised in body and in spirit… my back-to-back weekends of nerve-wracking work…an attack of the bronchitis that racks my body with hacking coughs till now.
But much as I anticipate this day to be my perfect day of rest, I awake unhinged. Awry. My mind is running in all directions -- this to do; that to do. I start the day fretful and anxious.
And no matter how I tell myself to lay it all before you, I don’t. And the promise You keep pushing into the center of my circle is this: “You will keep in perfect peace, him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You.”
And You also give me this word: “Because of your great love we are not consumed, for Your compassions never fail.” Lamentations 3:22
and I ask you in the midst of the swirling thoughts in my head: “Let me not lose sight of your gifts today.”
I am dressed up and ready to go to our couple’s massage at the spa. My first ever. He is running late but he will make it. I go out and sit in the car outside and there’s no sign of him. He is still at the car shop. I have to go alone. It’s 1:52; our appointment was for 1:45. I drive off with a knot on my chest.
“It sucks,” I say to myself over and over. “It sucks, I say to the girl at the reception.
What poor planning on his part! My heart is spewing out blame. Resentment-- like a band around my chest-- keeps me from breathing Your goodness and grace. “Lord, help me to see your gifts.”
It has become obvious as I am ushered into the couple’s room, that he won’t make it. “Couple’s massage with only half a couple,” the lady says.
Ironic. I am awash in self pity.
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick.”
And as I lie here, I pray and beg for You to salve this wound in my heart and with the soothing strokes of the masseuse, shape my heart to be like Yours.
I arise from the table thinking the battle has been won. The enemy went away, or so I thought. But he sneaks in on me again, on my drive home.
“Lord, help me to see your gifts. Help me to forgive. “
My mind is telling me to forgive but my heart won’t. The refrain on my CD keeps playing: “I’m forgiven.”
How can I not forgive? I have been forgiven.
But resentment is pleasurable. I am wallowing in it, like a sow in the mire. Your long arm is reaching out to me as I sink.
I am stuck in traffic. As I stare at the palms and the saplings on the side of the road, on a three-minute drive that turns into 30, I wrestle with the pain and resentment. I must forgive just as I have been forgiven. But it gives me no comfort. I replay the song over and over, “ I’m forgiven” but the hurt will not go away.
I am wrestling with demons.
“Take out your sword, you soldier!“ I cry. “Slay them! Forgive! “
But the demons in my head will not let me go.
“Lord, help me to see your gifts.”
And then, as I walk the path that leads me home, You whisper gently: “ People may let you down, but I never will.”
And with those words, You healed me. Completely.
The scales fell from my eyes and I saw You.
The demons fled.
I am set free! I am ushered into the glorious freedom of your holy Presence.
You are my gift.
You, whose Name is Faithful and True. The God who keeps Your promises. You said, “Fix your eyes on Me and Me alone. “
And you soothe my broken heart and cradle me in your bosom. Lover of my soul, into Your arms I run.
People may disappoint me and fail me,
but Jesus, YOU NEVER WILL. Hallelujah!
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